There are many reasons why marriages end in divorce. One of the main reasons is that some couples do not fully comprehend how to create the good times between them and how to keep these good times rolling for years on end. What is meant here is not merely having a cerebral knowledge of what should be done to sustain the marriage, rather the willingness to implement what one knows is the right thing to do to save the marriage. Another challenge is how do couples go about implementing the right things they already know?
There is the need for all married couples to implore “the active use of the mind”, not the heart. In every romantic relationship, lovers must be able to apply two different solutions to one challenge. This is related to applying our common sense, our social skills, and having the ability to cope with our emotions. Success in a romantic relationship is all about bridging the gap between principles and actions. For example, a man beating up his wife, or a woman beating up her husband every three days in order to prevent them from getting out of control and start tearing up the roof tiles, could be bridged with “an active use of the mind” to find another solution to this problem.
Domestic Violence Is One Of The Main Causes Of Divorce
One of my good African friends once intimated to me that he always beats up his wife anytime he wanted to make love to her. He told me he was married to two wives. When I asked him his reason for beating up his wife before sex, he said his second wife was always very stubborn. So why do most marriages end in divorce? It’s all because of situations like this – and it seems to be a universal phenomenon – not only among some African men alone. There is a Chinese saying that goes as follows: “If you don’t beat up your wife every three days, she will start tearing up the roof tiles. Meaning that a wife not frequently beaten is a wife out of control.
Despite this, we still expect our marriages to remain intact. What an anomaly! At this point, I must emphasize that wife beating is not indigenous to any particular region or race. A Cambodian man was so infuriated when he came home and found his wife out and no lunch on the table that, he set fire to the family house and burnt it to the ground – the Cambodian language Newspaper, Rasmei Kampuchea Daily reported. The 37 year-old husband torched the house to teach his wife a lesson (emphasis mine). He then turned himself in to the police. The man was then temporarily detained in a local jail where he was assured of regular meals! Only God knows what would have happened if this man had met his wife in that family house.
The Disappearance Of Affection And Mercy In Marital Homes
All societies and all cultures abhor behavior that borders on bestiality – making individuals wolfish in behavior but human in appearance. The two men mentioned above did not behave like people who have in them the feelings of affection and mercy. They were venting their anger upon the love of their lives – those hapless creatures who can ill-afford to defend themselves physically against these attacks from their so-called husbands. These men had forgotten entirely about the ‘covenant of love and affection’ they had promised their loving wives before tying the knot.
The worst still, they have also forgotten that they (their wives) are to be, or already are, the mother of their kids. Nay! These are women whose hearts are throbbing with compassion and affection; and whose souls are yearning for intimacy and true love. In the light of such treatments, they would feel they have lost the love, the dignity, and the position they commanded in the hearts of their ‘better halves’, and, as a consequence, they could become shell-shocked and frightened that they might contemplate suicide. Would these men, callous as they have been, become contrite and pay heed to the rules of the game inherent in keeping their marriages intact?
On the other hand, If, for instance, a man asks his wife to turn on the TV, and she replies by saying: ” You did not marry me to come turn on the TV for you, you better do that by yourself.” She feels they are both equal, and therefore, they should both respect each other – no one taking advantage of the other. It’s absolutely true that both of you are equal, but turning on the TV does not make you look subservient. Rather, it gives you the opportunity to express your feelings of affection and love to your partner. Yes! It does not behoove a man to ask his wife to turn on the TV with a peremptory command similar to that of a military commander issuing orders to his troops.
Certainly some women would carry out this “instruction” with slavish compliance; some others might even refuse to turn on the TV altogether. This reminds me of the famous English poet, William Cowper (1731-1800) who wrote:
He would not, with a peremptory tone,
Assert the nose upon his face his own.
Monotony In Any Relationship Risk Running That Relationship Into The Ground.
There is a Chinese saying that goes as follows: Even the cleverest woman cannot prepare a meal without rice. This is likely to be the case because rice is considered an indispensable in every Chinese meal. It could be said that the “rice” in every matrimonial home is the good inter-personal skills between spouses – whether they do agree with each other in a lot issues or not. There are three virtues inherent in many marriages that have been built to last.
- Patience in approach to difficulties within the relationship/marital home.
- Pragmatism in priorities – who gets what, when and how within the relationship.
- Steadiness in values – there is always the danger of infidelity getting the last word!
For any relationship to endure, there is the need for both partners to be aggressively innovative on how best to ‘spice up’ their relationship. Monotony in any relationship risks running that relationship into the ground – especially if one partner insists on sticking to their way of doing things – the same old things – come hell or high water!
God wants us to maximize our minds to be positive, resourceful, innovative and constructive so that we can help find solutions to some challenges in society. We cannot rely on old solutions to solve marital problems. To this writer, divorce is an old solution in resolving problems associated with marriage. We need to tie it to a big rock and throw it into the Bermuda Triangle and forget it. Obviously at a point in time, one reaches a saturation point and needs to get rid of the old. More than ever, this means liberating our thinking, daring to rush forward, daring to act, daring to do whatever it takes to keep marriages intact.
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