What Is In A Healthy Relationship After Marriage?

As a newly-wed, memories of a sweet and magnificent wedding has passed. But has it carried with it that love which had existed between you long before this wedding? Has the throbbing pulse of love, tenderness, affection and mercy vanished after the wedding night? Now what is in a healthy relationship after marriage? The answer to this is found in the Muslim Holy Book, The Holy Qur’an:

“And among His signs

Is this, which He created

For you mates from among

Yourselves, that ye may

Dwell in tranquility with them

And he has put love and mercy

Between your (hearts); Verily

In those are signs for those who reflect.” (Qur’an, 23:21)

Love After Marriage Continues To Be Like A Waterfall

“…that ye may dwell in tranquility with them…”. Undoubtedly, it is that type of love that is based upon kindness and friendliness. It has indeed settled in the innermost core of the heart that in turn generates a longing for each other. Yes. It is that type of true love that has fallen upon the soul, the senses, and the entire body. In this manner, the couple find in each other, a peace of mind, a reassurance and a deep-rooted sense of security. The love between them continues to grow every day – defying time and place. It indeed compares favorably with a waterfall whose water increases rather than decreases – all because this is a type of love that has been based upon the purity of purpose – not upon deception by sophistry.

In order to deepen the love between them, the woman’s rights is emphasized by the Qur’an, and strongly recommended by the Prophet of Islam. The Qur’an states:

“…Live with them on a footing

of kindness and equity, for if ye

Hate them, it may happen that

Ye hate a thing and God brings

About through it, a great deal of good (Qur’an, 4:19)

The Prophet Muhammad ( peace be upon him) said: ” The best of you is the best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family. The most perfect believers are the best in conduct, and the best of you are those who are best to their wives.”

Who is the best man to his family? Is he the one whose wedding cake was the biggest and the most expensive; or the one who bought the most expensive wedding ring for his fiancee; the one who provides for all the needs of the family in terms of food, money and clothing? There is something, if not present, renders all the above meaningless. It is indeed love! It is indeed compassion and tenderness, affection and empathy.

Is the best of you to his family the one who plays night baseball or watches TV deep into the night – leaving his partner groaning, moaning and craving for a satisfying and relaxing sex? The Prophet of Islam did have a good deal of prescience about what was likely to happen between married couples when he reminded them that: “No believing man should loathe a believing woman, should it happen that he hates a particular trait in her, it’s likely he might love something good about her too.”

The Door Leading To Mutual Hatred Should Be Slammed

In order to ensure a healthy relationship after marriage, it’s imperative that all doors leading to mutual hatred be slammed. This is because, there is always going to be that thin wall that separates love and hatred in every healthy relationship. Therefore, a single mistake by one partner shouldn’t lead to a whole roomful of horrors. The prevailing ambiance should be nothing but mutual affection and magnanimity. Should it happen that there appears any disturbance in their relationship, they should endeavor to dispel it by effective communication between them.

The act of dispelling disturbances is workable only if they cast their memories back in time to that covenant that had existed between them – and which they now seem to be forgetting – the covenant of affection and love, the covenant of companionship and compassion. The unfettered love between them should not be allowed to deteriorate into nit-picking picayune disputes. In a letter written in 1792, Thomas Jefferson ( 1743 -1826), the Third President of The United States of America wrote: ” Let what will be said or done, preserve your sangfroid immovably, and to every obstacle, oppose patience, perseverance and a soothing language.” I personally would regard Jefferson’s advice as indirectly directed to couples who aspire to keep their marriages intact – if even that wasn’t his intention. His advice is timeless and priceless as far love and relationships are concerned.

There should be A Win-Win Situation Within The Marital Home

Your hearts should be fortresses of love that entertains no one else but each other. In a matrimonial home, each partner is expected to reciprocate the love and kindness given them by the other partner. A loving wife is supposed to guard the property of her husband – and not squander it during his absence from home. The man too is required to provide for his wife adequate financial support according to his means. After all, money is not love, but money supports love. As in Christianity, Islam sees a woman, whether single or married as an individual in her own right.

She has the right to own and dispose of her property and earnings without any guardianship over her ( whether that be her father, husband or anyone else). She has the right to buy and sell, give gifts and charity, and may spend her money as she pleases. A marriage gift that was given to her before marriage by the groom is for her personal use, and she may also keep her family name – rather than taking her husband’s. Irrespective of all these, the man is still expected to fulfill his conjugal duties toward her according to his means.


The rules of the game within a matrimonial home should be in harmony with upright human nature. In consideration of the physiological and psychological make-up of man and woman, both should have equal rights and claims on one another. These claims should be channeled through mutual understanding and consideration for one another’s actual circumstances. It should be done in such a manner as to not result in mutual hatred between them.

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