To be sure, this statement from a woman who says she loves her husband but still wants a divorce looks contradictory. All in all, love leads to togetherness. Whereas, divorce leads to separation. At a time that there exists true love between a married couple, there is bound to be a mutual feeling of affection and tenderness toward one another. If a wife’s love for her husband were intense, she would definitely not hesitate to play her part in fulfilling her responsibilities toward her husband. These so-called responsibilities are of no practical significance – they are merely acts aimed at proving to the husband how much she loves him.
For this reason, The Prophet of Islam, Muhammad (peace be upon him) had said: “The best of women are those who make their men happy when they look at them; obey them when they instruct them; and when their men are absent, they guard their chastity and their husband’s wealth.” Indeed, Therefore, it is basically the distortion of the meaning of love for a woman to claim that she loves her husband but still wants a divorce.
When Patience Falters, Mutual Hatred Develops
In a letter written in 1792, Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), the third President of the United States of America wrote: “Let what will be said or done preserve your sangfroid immovably, and to every obstacle oppose patience, perseverance and a soothing language.” Although this was not a letter written by Jefferson to true lovers, this writer strongly recommends all lovers to pay heed to this beautiful advice.
And, although Jefferson might have known very little about the Holy Qur’an, The Muslim Holy Book, the advice of this great man speaks volumes for lovers. And indeed, it is in conformity with a similar advice given to believing men and women in the Muslim Holy Book:
“Ye shall currently be tried and tested
In your possessions and in yourselves,
And ye shall certainly hear much that
Will grieve you…but if ye persevere
Patiently (tasberuu), and guard against evil,
Then that indeed is a matter of great resolution. (Qur’an, 3:186).
The Arabic word Sabr implies many shades of meaning, which is impossible to comprehend in one English word. It implies (1) patience of being thorough, not hasty (2) patient perseverance, constancy, steadfastness, firmness of purpose; (3) systematic as opposed to chance action (4) a cheerful attitude of resignation and understanding in sorrow, defeat or suffering, as opposed to murmuring or rebellion; but saved from mere passivity or listlessness.
All these qualities, when inherent in any matrimonial home, would save it from going down the drain. Add to this our battles against the vicissitudes of life – not wealth and possession (or the lack of them), are the means of our trial. All our personal relationships, the color of our skin, our talents, knowledge, opportunities and their opposites; in fact everything that happens to us and makes up our personalities is a means of our testing. Therefore, if love is the glue that holds marriages intact, then patience is the hand that holds the glue.
Can Love And Hate Become Bedfellows?
If lovers are not able to address each other with a soothing language; and cannot oppose obstacles between them with patience, as Jefferson stated in his letter – that had nothing to do with relationships, mutual hatred develops. Which with time, leads to lovers or married couples distancing themselves from each other. This inevitably leads to one partner still loving their opposite number yet wanting a divorce. Either of them finds excuses to be unfaithful, there and then, the love that existed between them turns into a breeze that wafts its way through the window and out of the marital home – as if it had never existed.
This is exactly what is happening in this our Digital Age! It’s happening because the meaning of love has not been well-digested by some of us. We are now marrying later than our parents – divorcing faster! Indeed, there are men in this Age who still beat their wives. The Prophet of Islam (p.b.u.h), wondered more than fourteen hundred years ago why a man would beat his wife and said: “Anyone of you will willfully flog his wife – like the flogging of a slave and, then perhaps would have sexual intercourse with her later the same day.” How would a man beat up his wife in the morning, and later have sex with her in the evening? Can love and hate ever become bedfellows?
We Sometimes Become Prisoners Of Love
If you tell me you still love your husband but you are filing for divorce what does that tell me as a true love advocate? it tells me you have become a prisoner of love. To be sure, sometimes, we are held hostage to a loveless relationship to which we have not contributed. At different stages in our lives, We all have to face the real world of romance – that could be unfair and unkind. As the Chines saying goes, “It is very easy to summon up a ghost, but not nearly as easy getting rid of it.”. In my own words, it is very easy to fall in love, but not nearly as easy falling out of love! Falling in love these days is the hardest thing to do. You really cannot tell who will be the best partner in a romantic affair. It is equally harder to stay aloof from romance – unless, of course, you vow to remain celibate.
There are those women and men who reason speciously that – it is always the other partner who needs the sex – not him or her. Indeed, they are ambivalent about sex. They need the sex, but hate to express it in words and deeds. As a result, they move around the marital home with a sense of insensitivity toward sex. “After all, if he needs me, he would come to me…and even if he does, I will make it a bit tough for him.” One housewife asserted. We often hear of a man “raping” his wife. How could that happen between true lovers? One’s marital home can be wrecked by such gauche manners. This attitude could force a man or woman to satisfy their sexual cravings through other means.
Sex Is Not To Be Ashamed Of
In a matrimonial home, sex is not to be ashamed of, or to be treated lightly. Or to be indulged in excess. It is as solemn a fact as anything is in life. This writer had an acquaintance who occasionally strayed out of the marital bed. His reason was that: “:Anytime I needed sex, my wife always found excuses to deny it to me…so it is not my fault…”
Do you still love your husband/wife but want divorce? Or are you ambivalent about sex?
You are welcome to leave your comments below.