What Is To Be Found In A Marriage Relationship?

In every marriage relationship, there are things that need to be present in order to make that relationship work. The lack of it brings the relationship to a standstill. An automobile doesn’t just suddenly stop on the highway for no any apparent reason. Some marriages surprisingly do not even need intercourse as a primary reason to make things work. Just kissing, touching and talking to each other could be the most important ingredient that holds some marriages intact. If couples lose interest in anything going on in the day to day lives of each other, that could also be recipe for disaster.

Some reasons why marriages do collapse are:

  • When couples become roommates instead of partners.
  • When sex becomes monotonous as a chore.
  • When couples stop caring about their appearances after the rings slip through the fingers and the reading on the scale start going up.
  • When couples start taking each other for granted. Even saying a “thank you” to each other after a great sex goes a long way!
  • When couples begin to care more about their individual bank accounts than they care for one another.
  • When couples stop being fun. They never want to go anywhere or do anything together as a couple. When a man misses dating his wife and vice versa. Like taking off to an island for a few days.
  • When the art of gift giving between couples becomes something of the past.
  • When couples no longer ask each other : “Honey how was your day today?”

Reasons Why Couples Cheat On Each Other

  • The sad reality is that even when married with children some men, and (even some women), still never lose the impulse and attraction to the opposite sex. At the gym, at the shopping malls, at the baseball games, at the pawn shops, at the PTA meetings, at the airports, and even in the aircraft, etc. Men just notice attractive women. And other women too, do the same! Note that some men and women honestly wish that they could make it go away and somehow turn off the switch for anyone but their partners. But some can’t just do that!
  • For some men (and women), they just continually have this impulse and then at some point make a bad choice to pursue it. You can make the impulse worse by flirting, viewing pornography, or starting unnecessary inter-personal relationships with the opposite sex. If you really love your spouse, remaining faithful to them, does require consistent choices of not making the impulse worse. For some men (and women), that indeed becomes a day to day battle.
  • Some Rules Of The Game For The Married Mind

  • Discipline yourself: Marriage can be a wonderful life altering experience if you maintain the discipline to be faithful to your spouse.
  • Your dealings with the opposite sex should always be friendly, warm, affectionate, but not overly so. As a married person, do always find a way to mention your wife and children – if you have to establish a new relationship with the opposite sex due to work or study. It may act as a deterrent to would-be “poachers”. Yes, it also sends a clear message to them that you aren’t available.
  • Do not comment on the appearance of the opposite sex other than your spouse. For instance, their weight gains and weight losses. Avoid offering any kind of commentary – no matter what – it just isn’t necessary – if that man or woman isn’t your spouse.
  • Look the best for your spouse. Every man or woman likes to see the love of their lives look their best. Consider it a daily challenge to not always stop caring about your appearance.
  • Do not ask others about their marital issues and don’t volunteer your own information about it.
  • Note that your love for your spouse should be that of true love. True love for your spouse should be all-inclusive than mere infatuation. If you truly love your spouse, you love everything about them.
  • Do not only “admire” your spouse but love them. Do not say: ” I admire him or her”, because your admiration for someone could be dependent upon a particular characteristic or trait in the one being admired. For instance, “I admire her for her eloquence; I admire her round face or big eyes.” Your admiration for this person could make tears fall down freely from your cheeks, and make the rest of your day dreamy and relaxed; yet still, you would not be said to have fallen head over heels in love with that person. No matter the intensity of your admiration for your spouse, it does not reach the degree of true love!

A Question To The Married Mind?

If you happen to get attracted to another man or woman outside your marriage, and you allow that impulse to inveigle you down the road of betrayal, will your love for the “other” man or woman be built upon sincerity, purity and affection or that, it will only be built upon satisfying your instincts through an illegal way? What would be your fate if you get caught by your spouse? If your love for your spouse is going to be shared by someone else outside the marital home, then why do you hope to raise a responsible family in such a matrimonial home that is shared between your spouse and another man or woman?

From a true lover’s point of view, you are rattling the wrong cage of love. In other words, your love for your spouse is not characteristic of true love that is based upon affection, compassion, tenderness, humility, and faithfulness. Because it’s only out of a dignified and true love that a matrimonial home must be built upon. With dignity and true love comes the fusion of the hearts and souls of the both of you. Thereafter, you begin to act like one individual. Then of course, the rainbow of love engulfs you – cultivating in you, the acceptance, with proud equanimity, the misfortunes of life. You and your spouse are meant to be together through thick and thin.

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What Is In Healthy Relationship – A Reappraisal

He was good company, and did not burden me with worries and problems. He walked through life with enviable insouciance. This writer eventually came to the conclusion that, trying to make him understand the meaning of true love was only a gamble. Indeed, it was as uncertain as “throwing your wallet into a crowded street and hoping your wife would catch it” Joe had lured a woman into a relationship shinning with a lot of small bright flashes of fake love! It was only after Joe left his partner for another woman did she realize she had lost the ultimate battle for his heart. So what exactly is in a healthy relationship? in a male-dominated world, and in a world of romantic relationships; dreams and deception are likely to continue to occupy the center stage for a long time to come.

Undoubtedly, there is no human being on earth unless they have a heart that throbs and two eyes that see. The human heart does not become devoid of an atom of sympathy and mercy. But it is the usage of those yearnings that determine our relationships with one another. These yearnings could be directed toward corrupting our relationships or reforming and making them healthy. There is no doubt that every young man or woman might have had a relationship with the opposite sex that could have been real or imagined.

The Story Of The Woodcutters’s Wife

For a relationship to be considered a healthy one, both parties must complement each other’s efforts – and be good at that. There is a story of a woman who wanted to complement her husband’s efforts in order to create a healthy relationship between her and her husband. She exhibited all the ingredients of a true lover who purposely work to create harmony in her marriage relationship. This was a story narrated by the Messenger of God, Muhammad (peace be upon him), to his companions. The Prophet said:

” I inquired from a certain woman whose husband was a woodcutter about how she treated her husband and she said: ‘ My husband is a woodsman – he cuts and gathers wood in the mountains; he then descends to sell them. He then uses his earnings to buy all that we need in our home. I always identify and empathize with his experience up in the mountains and share with him that sort of hardship he has to go through for the sake of our livelihood. I also do feel (within me) the severity of the thirst he has to endure up in the mountains and that almost scorched my throat too.'”

The woodcutter’s wife continues: “Due to this, I always prepared for him a good drinking water – so that anytime he comes back, he finds it readily available. Before he comes home, I tidy up the home – keeping everything in its rightful place. I then set the table. I then make sure I am gorgeously dressed – awaiting his return; as soon as he enters; I would welcome him in such a manner as a bride would do for a bridegroom with whom she was deeply in love. I would do this in a total submission of myself. Then when he needs rest, I would aid him unto it; and when he needs me, I would fall not his arms (allowing him play with me) in such a manner as a father would play with his little girl…”

This poor and hard-working woodcutter of a man had to endure the scorching sun of Arabia up in the mountains, to be able to fend for his family, his wife did her part in providing him with a relaxed and conducive ambiance – thus helping in creating a healthy relationship within the matrimonial home.

In A Healthy Relationship, The Man Is Also Required To Reciprocate

A man is required to reciprocate the love and caring and also the empathy given to him by his wife. There should be a win-win situation in every relationship for it to be considered to be a healthy one. To begin with, the man is required to provide his wife with adequate financial support. Let’s be honest: Money is not love, but money supports love.

A woman, whether single or married should be considered as an individual in her own right. She has the right to own and dispose of her property and earnings without any guardianship over her (whether that be her father, husband or anyone else). She has the right to buy and sell, give gifts and charity, and may spend her money as she pleases. These are some basic rights that anyone in a healthy relationship should uphold. The natural differences between the sexes entitles the weaker sex to some degree of maintenance and protection.

In a healthy relationship, a man’s role of leadership in relations to his family does not mean dictatorship over his wife. Indeed, it implies no superiority or advantage before the law. Islam tries to maintain a healthy relationship between married people as far as possible, especially if children are concerned. It will check hasty action as far as possible, and leave the door of reconciliation open at many stages – even after a divorce – a suggestion of reconciliation is made. In order that the existing love between couples is not trapped in inertia, and become unhealthy, there is always the need for lovers to develop unique gifts of cutting through complex issues affecting their relationship and forging consensus.

But how can lovers actually cut through complex issues affecting their relationship and forge a consensus if they hesitate to sit on the bargaining table to negotiate between themselves the nitty-gritty of their relationships – answering the questions of who gets what, when and how in a healthy relationship?


There are rules in every game and, if we consider every relationship as a game between two individuals wanting to create a win-win situation, then that will require some basic rules that must be adhered to by both partners. Some of these rules are:

  • Empathizing with each other
  • Sacrificing for each other
  • Being considerate and affectionate
  • Recognizing and according each other the rights they deserve.
  • Humility, patience and true love
  • Being playful

Having the cerebral knowledge on how to create a healthy relationship is not enough. Indeed, this must be accompanied by the willingness to implement these basic rules.

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What Is In A Marriage Relationship – A Bird’s Eye View

What is in a marriage relationship? In order to ponder over this question, one will have to first examine the differences between animals and plants in their capacity to think and resolve problems. Unlike the animals and plants, God had endowed human beings with a powerful mind that can be used proactively, imaginatively and responsibly. According to scientists, the human mind thinks at a rate of 1000 words per minute. It is therefore clear that God wants us to maximize our minds to be positive, resourceful, innovative and constructive so that we can help find solutions to many challenges in life. Obviously, we cannot rely on old solutions to solve marital problems.

We need to boldly delve for new methods to keep marriages intact. More than ever, this means liberating our thinking, daring to admit our mistakes and weaknesses within a marriage relationship, and above all, being forbearing and affectionate within the confines of the matrimonial home. So what are the basic elements of a marriage relationship? In other words, what does a marriage relationship consist of?

A Marriage Relationship Should Comprise Love And Loyalty

Have you ever asked yourself: How much do I love my partner? If the answer is yes – and of course I expect it to be so. Then the second question becomes even more important: How much loyalty do I accord my partner? In any marriage relationship, love happens naturally, but one has to work hard on loyalty. Loyalty doesn’t just occur simply because I love “her” or “him”. After all, how many spouses do love their partners dearly yet they still stray from the marital bed? Being loyal means being a true lover. In order to be loyal, you have to work on these core elements:

  • Truthfulness: Truthfulness is essential because it contributes to earning a good reputation vis-à-vis your spouse. Which goes a long way toward enhancing one spouse’s long-range credibility in the eyes of their partner.
  • Precision: Precision is the moral and intellectual accuracy needed to tide couples over until the good times arrive. The idea here is that, the moral and intellectual accuracy of a spouse enables them to know one thing that is absolutely true – that none of them is absolutely flawless. This allows the spouses to be forgiving and accepting the fact that none of them is perfect, and to a certain point, will continue to have flaws. However, the striving of each of them to improve is what every successful marriage relationship should consist of.
  • Calmness: Calmness, good temper and patience permit spouses to maintain an air of detachment in dealing with any marital issues.
  • Modesty: Modesty should be a central quality of every spouse – especially – if they want to resolve their differences amicably. All spouses should avoid vanity and should not be flattered, or worse, boast about their previous relationships with others and how better those relationships were.

True Love Should Replace Infatuation In A Marriage Relationship

Any marriage relationship should never be built on infatuation. A person completely infatuated with someone else could be considered to be a fake lover, because they have only been attracted to the opposite sex, and it could be that the one being admired is even not aware of it. It could also happen that there be a mutual attraction. And this mutual attraction could cause in them a slight and burning sensation and a desire to get together – which soon ends if any on them leaves the scene. For love to be said to be a true one, it must be felt in the hearts of both parties.

True love that occurs in a marriage relationship is all-inclusive and pervasive than infatuation. If you truly love someone, you love everything about him or her. Do not say: ” I married you because I admired your round and soft face, or your big eyes or your eloquence.” In this case, your marriage to this person is only dependent on a particular trait or characteristic in the one being admired. Your admiration for this person could make tears drop down freely from your cheeks, and make the rest of your day dreamy and relaxed; yet still, you will not be said to have fallen head over heels in love. No matter the intensity of your admiration, it does not reach the degree of true love.

Therefore, there exists a great difference between someone who, because they are (temporarily) filled with intense love for you exchanges marriage vows with you and someone, who truly loves you. True love is more pristine and more deep-rooted than infatuation. In a marriage relationship, true love is more commendable, infatuation could be pretentious that could finally lead to flippancy in addressing some concerns after marriage. On the other hand, true love does not disappear from the heart of the lover, buy stays there and increases in intensity even if a marriage between the two has ended. But how will a marriage whose foundation was built on true love – and not infatuation – even end in divorce?

Consider Your Partners As Your Garments In A Marriage Relationship

The Holy Qur’an says about two (married) lovers:

“…They are your garments

And ye are their garments…” (Qur’an, 2:187)

This remains an eloquent description of true love. The fabric used in making this garment is love; the threads used in sewing it is love; and finally, the embroidery on the garment is also designed with love. Men and women (in marriage) according to the Holy Qur’an, are each other’s garments. They are meant for mutual support; mutual comfort; mutual protection: fitting into each other as a garment fits the body. These garments are supposed to be made as the buyer specifies. In other words, you would not buy a garment you don’t love. You would not become a garment for someone you don’t love.


Relationships between married couples could be intense but short – indeed as short as a one night stand. It could also last longer, but could still lack the closeness and intensity associated with the type of marriage relationship that prides itself on true love.

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